[scene: an evil spirit speaking to a maiden] "Come my dear. That's right. Keep your eyes closed. Just trust me. I care about your soul. Let me carry you away. You don't need to study the Bible, it will only confuse you. After all"sacred Tradition, Sacred Scripture, and the Magisterium of the Church are so connected and associated that one of them cannot stand without the others." How could anyone expect you to understand all our canon laws, bulls, traditions, etc.? I'll let you know the part that you need. Listen to the priest. Tell him your troubles and he'll absolve you. Tell him the most personal, impure thoughts you have. He's eager to hear them all.
Don't forget the resources you have available to you. You can buy yourself an indulgence to help pay for your sins and don't forget to pay for masses for your dead loves ones. You can also go to the shrine and light a candle for the dead--er...don't forget to put $3.00 in the box, mere technicality. It will help them get out of purgatory. You and I both know the blood of Jesus is not powerful enough to cleanse all sins. And yes, make sure you pray the rosary you know it has 15 promises for you. Hey, Mary said it at Fatima. If one of those Bible thumpers quotes Matthew 6:7 tell them to mind their own business. Don't miss mass. That's where you get to eat, I mean receive Jesus. Talk to him while he is in the monstrance. He gets lonely sitting in there by himself. I've talked enough, sleep on...oh, one more thing. When one of those Bible thumpers directs you to the Bible, don't forget that it is a mortal sin for your to doubt Mother Church. You will be banished to hell for all eternity. You're shaking. You don't have to fear, just make sure you stay away from those Protestants and their King James Bible.
[picture: two corpses--one male and one female--in open coffins] These people here faithfully followed Mother Church to the very end. They strongly opposed the Bible thumpers and even published a magazine with Church apologetics. Yes, sir-ree they got what every faithful Catholic gets. Don't they look so peaceful and at rest? Wait a minute. I'm getting a message from one of my angels of light...Is this true what I am hearing? Did you tell someone that you can't seem to find God in the Church??? Forgive me for speaking so harshly. Tell you what. Try these--
Pray the Pro-life Prayer. You know the one that goes something like this, "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, I love you above all things. Here I devote to you the life of my aborted baby I have spiritual adopted in heaven. I will be able someday to see him in heaven with God." By saying this you will personally send an aborted baby to heaven. I know the Bible says that babies go to heaven but remember the Bible is not too reliable. You have to listen to the magisterium and the holy father too in order to get the real picture. You can also pick out the Novena to St. Jude\Prayer to St. Jude. St. Jude, has been granting Catholic requests for years. Make sure you pray the prayer the prescribed number of times each day even if you get bored to death. You don't want St. Jude to get angry with you for your irreverence.
Next try the Dolors Of The Virgin. It has 25 promises according to the Marian apparitions including eternal life, happiness on earth, and seeing Mary's face at the moment of death. In this prayer, make sure you cry while reciting Marian songs and the Hail Mary's. Also meditate on what Mary had to go through to see Jesus die and to help him suffer the pain on the cross. I noticed that in the past you have done the prescribed crying. You know you have so many options but here is another one you need to revisit--the Magnificant Prayers. Read the 13 descriptions on the cross and pray one Our Father and one Hail Mary after each one. Don't worry, keep on and one day you will find God.
Once again, I'm warning you about those fundie cousins of yours. They're crazy and they're determined to take you down with them. Always talking about hell and the Bible. What fanatics...Bible freaks. They need to outlaw that proselytizing they do. Who do they think they are? The only ones with the truth? Make sure that you chant the rosary for them. Trust Mother Church. Keep trying the different proscriptions we have for you. Continue praying to St. Michael for guidance. Keep your chin up. You have your baptism, communion, and confirmation to fall back on, too. Remember that time you crawled on your knees to do penance? God accepted your sacrifice. I know the Bible says that Jesus made a one time sacrifice but remember the Bible is not reliable.
You're not a failure. Keep trying hard. God will understand. What you don't get right on this side you can pay for in purgatory. Yes, it is suffering but you only have to stay until you pay for the rest of your sins. As your family pays for masses it will help you get out faster. How fast? I don't know, but trust me soon. The more money they give to the Roman Catholic church, the faster you'll get out. Make sure you remind them of that. Oh, we cannot forget the importance of adoring and worshipping the holy eucharist. I heard that those fundies said it was just a piece of bread but I will remind you that the species of the bread is transubstantiated into the actual flesh, body, soul, and divinity of Jesus. The wine is transubstantiated into the literal blood of Jesus. It's okay to drink blood, forget about Acts 15:20 and Leviticus 7:26-27. The mass is the sacrifice of Jesus all over again. The priest is another Christ and is qualified to sacrifice Jesus. He calls Jesus out of heaven to come down and die so you can eat him. So what the Bible says that Jesus was offered once. We know the Bible is not too reliable. We've been through all this before. Just want to solidify these things in your mind. Don't let those fundies scare you with all that talk of hell and the Antichrist. If Mother Church was good enough for grandma and grandpa, mom and dad, it is good enough for you.
Yes, trust Mother Church and when you die, I will see you again...
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